Saturday, January 16, 2010

Falling Off The Proverbial Wagon Before It Left The Station and Other Perusings...

There's a common quote out there that states "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." We'll, I'd like to know who's the ass that thought it up and what's the meaning behind it?

Basically, I don't agree. I don't think having good intentions and failing at them is going to have anyone go to hell or that anyone is bad because of them. They are "in the game" of life, at least in thought, even if they are frozen in action. There are a lot of people out there that don't even have the thought of being "in the game," let alone actually "be in it" in action.

My twin sister, Roxanne, failed on her New Years Resolution and summed it up pretty good in her post here - Roxanne's Road Rules: The Road To Hell

Now onto my life and my "falling off the wagon" with this goal of mine. I've had a heck of the past two to three weeks. Somewhere around my birthday until the past week or so I've found myself battling off some low level depression. Being highly experienced in this area, the good thing is that I now recognize when it's trying to creep into my life and take it's nasty hold on my brain. When I see it coming there are things I do to fight it off. I normally get a little bit of Seasonal Depression the winter anyway because the lack of sunlight. This year was a bit different so it was taking everything I had to just get out of bed in the morning and get my butt working at my job. The thought of planning meals, cooking & rounding up children to eat at the table was a bit out of the realm of being high on the priority list during this time.

Another thing happened around the 3rd of January and it freaked me out (for more about this day see - Went for a Drive to a Beautiful Place). Since I'm normally a fairly practical person it was just a shock to me since I did NOT see it coming at all. I'm not going to share what it is fully right now but one thing I realized even more is that I'm a "to do-er."

There is a "to do" for most everything in life. If you hate someone the thing "to-do" is forgiveness, you still don't have to like the person but by "doing" forgiveness it moves the person into a whole different space in your life. Kind of a neutral space; you don't like them, you don't hate them and they are just "there." If you are struggling with money issues the thing "to do" is create a budget & live by it or generate more income etc. Most everything in this world has a "to do" attached to it.

My biggest problem with what happened is that there is absolutely NOT a single "to do" to make it go away, or manage it, or anything like that (I mostly wanted it to go the hell away.) Technically, only thing "to do" is to "be with it" and just let it "be there" which I frankly don't like either. I'm such a control freak it basically depressed me even more. I didn't (and still don't) want to "be with it" so as soon as I could go to bed in the evening I did. I also kept hoping that with any Grace from God I could sleep more than normal so I wouldn't have to be awake with thoughts running through my head either.

Anyway, about now on into the future. I haven't totally failed with my goal. I did manage a few meals and I'll be updating my blog with everything over the next few days. I'm going to use the "success" tag to keep count of the ones that "count" anyway. I'll explain more on the tag numbers later. I was able to get in a "make up meal" today so that feels good.

Sorry this wasn't more humerous or anything. I just wanted to get it out there, "get back on the wagon", and put one more piece of my life back "in integrity."

Thank you all who asked if I was actually going to do this or not. The answer is yes! I realize that even if I get in 30+ meals this year it will be more than we did last year so even if I don't hit 365 in total, it will be a success regardless.

Take Care,

1 comment:

  1. Just keep going - don't let the depression grip you any more than it has already. You've got that nice new house, with great paint colors hand-picked by your sister to be calming and cheerful. Now, just go make the life you want for you and your kids. Have them cook if you don't want to. The only thing you set as a goal was eating with them. No one said you had to make the meal.