Taking Wagers On The Pile Of Dirt

Here we are, another Saturday morning where I can't sleep because I'm thinking of all the stuff I want to get done this weekend, but too early to piss off the neighbors with any noise. So I am sitting here making plans on what to do, how to do it, when to do it etc... Problem is that I'm great at plan making, it's the execution that never goes as I think it should.

I introduce you to my huge pile of dirt...

This was delivered last monday via dump truck and plopped down in the middle of my front yard (I'd say lawn but I don't really have a "lawn".... I have something that looks like grass (sometimes) and grows really great weeds & mini wild pansies all summer but not beauiful green grass.)

Hence, I now have a large pile of lovely, dark, topsoil-peat-moss-mix that everyone assures me will grow a beautiful green lush lawn even up here in the cold north. It probably will, as evidenced by the piles of dirt that you drive by at the nurseries. Their piles are all covered in wonderful green grass on the "backside" where they aren't digging it out and dumping into people's trucks.

The question is... will it grow a lovely plush grass when layed out horizontal and not in a vertical pile? That is the question I'm attempting to find out this year... I'll keep you posted with the answer IF we get as far as planting seed.

Now in interest of full disclaimer:
The garden beds (in previous posts) were suppose to be done in ONE weekend. It's now weekend #2. We still have to complete the hoop houses (I did cut them last night) and get the plastic sheeting attached.

I also had great plans to plant the Potato seeds, Asparagus crowns, Rasberry & Rose bushes during last weekend... that didn't happen either. We did get the dirt into the box & the grids laid out for the raised beds so that was something we DID get done. My plans never seem to match up to timing... it tends to be that everything takes 2 times longer than I plan or I have children that want to add their plans to my plans for the day...

With that fully disclosed, the plan for the dirt pile is to spread it out and to use the rototiller to mix it into the present yard. The next step would be to level it out nice, plant grass seed, water & hope like hell it grows...

I'm taking wagers on if we get this done:
1. In May
2. In June
3. In July
4. Between August - September
OR
5. It's still a pile of dirt to be used as a launch for the kids to sled down in the snow next winter.

One Year Ago Today I...

Weighed 92.5 pounds more and…

Couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs without being winded…

Couldn’t bend over to tie my shoes without strategic propping involved…

Couldn’t imagine that life would be any different than it already was…

Today I…

Weight less than I did when I was 14 years old and…

Can walk long distances without trouble….

Can bend over to pick something up without feeling like I might fall over….

Can see great promise in the future things to come my way and already have a life that is totally different from before…

I would like to express my extreme appreciation and gratitude to:

JoAnne and Ray for making it happen and for their love & friendship…

Sylvia, Nadia-Tess and JoAnne, for being so willing to drop everything and without any notice come with me and make sure I was ok… Also, for still loving me after having to experience my wackiness, before & right after my surgery.

Bibi for her friendship and taking such good care of me in the days that followed the surgery…

The biggest thing I learned in the past year is although the ability to love and be loved is not a manifestation of losing weight, since it is really there all the time, it sure makes it easier to love others and feel worthy of being loved in return, when you feel better about yourself.

(2012 update - Here's a more current photo of me after a Tummy Tuck in October 2010.. This one was taken last summer.)

~Jamie

Falling Off The Proverbial Wagon Before It Left The Station and Other Perusings...

There's a common quote out there that states "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." We'll, I'd like to know who's the ass that thought it up and what's the meaning behind it?

Basically, I don't agree. I don't think having good intentions and failing at them is going to have anyone go to hell or that anyone is bad because of them. They are "in the game" of life, at least in thought, even if they are frozen in action. There are a lot of people out there that don't even have the thought of being "in the game," let alone actually "be in it" in action.

My twin sister, Roxanne, failed on her New Years Resolution and summed it up pretty good in her post here - Roxanne's Road Rules: The Road To Hell

Now onto my life and my "falling off the wagon" with this goal of mine. I've had a heck of the past two to three weeks. Somewhere around my birthday until the past week or so I've found myself battling off some low level depression. Being highly experienced in this area, the good thing is that I now recognize when it's trying to creep into my life and take it's nasty hold on my brain. When I see it coming there are things I do to fight it off. I normally get a little bit of Seasonal Depression the winter anyway because the lack of sunlight. This year was a bit different so it was taking everything I had to just get out of bed in the morning and get my butt working at my job. The thought of planning meals, cooking & rounding up children to eat at the table was a bit out of the realm of being high on the priority list during this time.

Another thing happened around the 3rd of January and it freaked me out (for more about this day see - Went for a Drive to a Beautiful Place). Since I'm normally a fairly practical person it was just a shock to me since I did NOT see it coming at all. I'm not going to share what it is fully right now but one thing I realized even more is that I'm a "to do-er."

There is a "to do" for most everything in life. If you hate someone the thing "to-do" is forgiveness, you still don't have to like the person but by "doing" forgiveness it moves the person into a whole different space in your life. Kind of a neutral space; you don't like them, you don't hate them and they are just "there." If you are struggling with money issues the thing "to do" is create a budget & live by it or generate more income etc. Most everything in this world has a "to do" attached to it.

My biggest problem with what happened is that there is absolutely NOT a single "to do" to make it go away, or manage it, or anything like that (I mostly wanted it to go the hell away.) Technically, only thing "to do" is to "be with it" and just let it "be there" which I frankly don't like either. I'm such a control freak it basically depressed me even more. I didn't (and still don't) want to "be with it" so as soon as I could go to bed in the evening I did. I also kept hoping that with any Grace from God I could sleep more than normal so I wouldn't have to be awake with thoughts running through my head either.

Anyway, about now on into the future. I haven't totally failed with my goal. I did manage a few meals and I'll be updating my blog with everything over the next few days. I'm going to use the "success" tag to keep count of the ones that "count" anyway. I'll explain more on the tag numbers later. I was able to get in a "make up meal" today so that feels good.

Sorry this wasn't more humerous or anything. I just wanted to get it out there, "get back on the wagon", and put one more piece of my life back "in integrity."

Thank you all who asked if I was actually going to do this or not. The answer is yes! I realize that even if I get in 30+ meals this year it will be more than we did last year so even if I don't hit 365 in total, it will be a success regardless.

Take Care,
~Jamie

Background, Why, Goals, & the Rules of the Game

BACKGROUND & WHY
I really have to admire my mom & dad because when growing up we always sat down together for dinner. It's these memories I remember the most when I think back... The walnut wood table and the formal matching buffet. The European style salt & pepper holder with the little spoon that frustrated my dad to no end because he would end up over-salting his food but my mom really liked it. Most of all I remember being with my family, dad at one end of the table & mom at the other with us girls between them. It was like being surrounded by love.

Although this is something I said I would do with my children it seems like "life" has always gotten in the way for one reason or another. It's been something that has been getting shoved to the back burner as a "When _____ calms down" or "When _____ happens then we'll start sitting together" except ____ never seems to calm down or happen. Nowadays it seems like we only eat together for special occasions or when eating out and we are all at one table.

It has me wondering what memories will my children have of our life together when they grow up? I bet if I were to poll the kids today it would probably have something to do with my laptop or my Internet enabled cell phone, one or the other is always attached to my person at all times like a breathing apparatus or something.

Will my kids have a memory of some dish I make for them that ties into some happy memory of being together? Right now I hear about Grandpa (Papa) John's steak or stew, Auntie Kelly's various awesome dishes like her London Broil or Grandma Jeannie's Porcupine Meatballs, but I really don't get a request from them to make anything special except for Stuffed Grapevine leaves on Holiday's. The kid's pull to these dishes goes as far as one of them mentioning that Papa John can Fed Ex his stew to us and I should ask him to. (Sorry Roxanne, the only thing the kids remember about your cooking is me sending them downstairs when you made toast to ensure you weren't setting the kitchen on fire.)

GOAL - To sit down at the table with the kids for one meal each day. Also, to minimize eating out and to use our packed pantry more.

I guess I got the inspiration for this goal by seeing a friend of mine who gets off of work, drives over an hour home, then cooks dinner & sits down with the kids for dinner. I am not so unrealistic to think that I am going to single handily cook each meal nor do I want to because I think it's good for the kids to learn how to cook for self-reliance later in life, but I do think I can manage to sit down with them for 30 minutes each day without any outside distractions from the phone or email etc.

In addition, I want to use up a lot of the food I already have stocked up that is over-taking the limited storage I have at the new house. I'd like to be able to use the cabinets in the downstairs kitchen for storing seldom used small kitchen appliances... like the mixer etc.

RULES OF THE GAME

1. It can be any meal of the day... Breakfast, Lunch or Dinner but preferably Dinner.
2. If on a weekend we manage to get in two meals in the same day then we are allowed a credit for one day's grace in the future.
3. Eating out will be minimized as much as possible. Also, shopping for new food will be minimized to use up more of what we already have on hand.
4. The table must be set for each meal.
5. If one or more kids are not home due to a sports/school event or spending the night at a friend's house then the meal will be with whomever is home on that day/time. If all three are gone then the day is "graced" by default.
6. If mom is out of town for work the day is "graced" and does not need to be made up.
7. If mom is running errands or at another friend's house for any reason then the days meal will be made up on a future date by adding breakfast or lunch.
6. In the event that mom gets asked out on a date that day's sit down meal is automatically "graced" as sort of a celebration of a miracle in itself. (Clarification: it has to be a date not just at a friend's house for dinner etc)

We'll be sharing photos, recipes, and experiences etc throughout the year. At the end of the year it will be interesting to see if it really makes a difference in our life together as a family or if it's just some hyped up memory from my childhood or my "Jamie's world should look like this" list that is always around in my head.

I hope you stay tuned for more... however it turns out, it will be an exciting adventure into uncharted territory :-)

~Jamie